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Do you tend to bottle up difficult emotions? Do you often resort to escapism, distracting yourself to soothe yourself? Do you surrender to certain unhealthy habits just because they make you feel better, even if it's only for a little while?
Do these questions make you feel uncomfortable?
If they do, trust me, you're not alone.
The Emotional Struggle
Even though we are (very) slowly headed in the right direction, I find that in our modern culture there is still not enough education around emotional health. We generally feel uncomfortable dealing with emotions, especially difficult ones, because we haven't been taught how to deal with them in a healthy way.
I recently shared a poll on my Instagram Stories, asking you which of the following four steps you struggle with the most.
Notice the emotion.
Name the emotion.
Sit with the emotion.
Let the emotion go.
And the winner of our Emotional Struggle Award was..... *drum roll*..... #3!
At least we're all able to notice that we have feelings -- phew.
But let's think about this... Considering we have so many tempting ways to distract, numb or altogether avoid our emotions, it makes sense to me that most people struggle simply sitting with whatever they are feeling in that moment.
It's uncomfortable to consciously sit with your emotions, especially if they are difficult ones.
Notice how I'm using the word "difficult" instead of "negative"? That's because I believe there is no such thing as a negative emotion.
I can see you frowning at me.
Let me explain.
The Gift Of Emotions
We've generally been taught to label emotions as either "good" or "bad."
Good emotions would be happiness, joy, excitement, love, etc.
Bad emotions would be anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy, etc.
Sure, often times the experience of what we would consider "bad emotions" is not what one would describe as stereotypically pleasant. That's why we prefer to avoid them altogether, and aim to only experience the "good emotions" in life.
Which is not only impossible, but emotionally unhealthy.
You see, every difficult emotion you experience is in fact communicating something to you. It is trying to tell you when you are lacking something in life; when you are misaligned with your purpose; when your values aren't being honored; and what it is that you need (more or less of) in this very moment.
Emotions are messages sent through you and to you, from the core of who you are as a human being.
On a conscious level you may not understand that something isn't right in a certain moment or situation; but your subconscious, your intuition, your gut -- they usually feel when something is off and they're telling (or sometimes yelling at) you.
Every emotion, "good" and "bad", is communicating something to you, about you.
You feel happy and confident when you are with this person, because they make you feel supported and appreciated for who you are. Emotional message: Enjoy these moments & keep them around!
You feel frustrated and tired in your current job, because you feel unheard and lack opportunity to grow. Emotional message: Either stand up for yourself or leave this situation if it will not change -- find different work.
You feel excited and anxious about your upcoming solo trip to an exotic destination you've never been to before. Emotional message: You are honoring your values of adventure and independence, go you! Just make sure to do some cultural research about your destination and avoid unwanted and possibly dangerous surprises.
You feel sad and guilty about not visiting your grandparents more often. Emotional message: One of your values is family and you are not honoring it as much as you would like. Have a look at your schedule and try to plan in some quality time with them.
So you see, if you keep ignoring your difficult emotions instead of listening to what they are communicating, you are missing out on vital information about your own needs. It may be uncomfortable to listen to these confrontational messages, but they are essentially telling you what you need to do (and not do) to live a more fulfilling life.
You can think of emotions as highly personalized gifts. Unique gifts of information, guidance, and direction.
And although their wrapping paper may look less shiny and colorful, it does not make difficult emotions any less of a gift.
You know what they say... Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Let's Get Emotional!
Of course, understanding the benefit of embracing all of your emotions, including the difficult ones, does not mean it's any easier to name them, sit with them and let them go.
It takes a lot of practice, a lot of patience, and of course... self-love.
There's a lot of different tips & tricks out there you can use to improve your emotional health. I will share a few that have truly benefited me, my coaching clients, and others I know who are actively trying to embrace the gift of their emotions.
Please, take only what resonates with you & leave the rest.
Struggle: "Name the emotion"
Google "emotional vocabulary" to expand your knowledge on different emotions you may experience;
Take it a step further by noting down 5 emotions you often experience, 5 emotions you feel most uncomfortable experiencing, and 5 emotions you would like to experience more often;
For all of the above write down your physiological response when you are experiencing them;
Carry around a small notebook & note down the different emotions you experience throughout your day -- reflect on your notes every week to gain more emotional awareness;
Struggle: "Sit with the emotion"
Remind yourself that you are not your emotion, you are simply experiencing your emotion;
Remind yourself that every emotion is temporary, this too shall pass;
Take a moment, remove yourself from the situation if you can/must, and just breathe... In through your nose, out through your mouth;
Notice your physiological response -- your breath, your heartbeat, the tension in your body, where do you feel what? etc.;
Either speak out loud to yourself, your pet or your plants (we all do it), journal, or speak with someone you trust;
Ask yourself, what happened that triggered this emotion in me?
Ask yourself, is there a value that's not being honored in this situation?
Ask yourself, what is this emotion trying to communicate about my needs?
Struggle: "Let the emotion go"
Ask yourself, what is one small step I can take to honor my needs right now?
Take this small step towards honoring your values, aligning with your purpose, and taking care of yourself;
Take a shower, do a workout, go for a walk, dance to your favorite song, hug your pet, partner or friend -- stimulate your body's nervous system in a healthy way;
Pat yourself on the back for embracing your emotional gift today!
Emotional health is a journey. It's completely human to stumble; to take two steps forward and one step back. Be gentle with yourself.
And if you are in need of a little more guidance, support and accountability on your journey -- get yourself a coach. As a co-active coach it is my purpose to hold space for you to explore all of the above within yourself. A space free of judgment and full of emotional support.
A space where you can safely gain that self-awareness that is essential for emotional health.
Don't hesitate to reach out if you are interested to learn more about what co-active coaching can do for you; I am always happy to connect, which is why every first session is free of charge.
And please, if you know any additional tips & tricks that have helped you on your emotional health journey -- share them in the comments!